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I’m engaged, and I had the great fortune of falling in love with someone who has a good salary. My own income isn’t shabby, but it’s about half of hers—good thing I like to cook.
As we look toward the future and consider purchasing a home as a place to start a family and as an asset for building wealth, our buying power mainly comes from my partner’s income and savings. It’s not my preferred dynamic—I’d love to match her dollar for dollar—but it’s the one we’ve got.
Though the U.S. has seen an increase in the number of marriages where the wife is the primary or sole breadwinner in recent years, a perfectly equal household isn’t common. These days, both spouses earn about the same amount of money in just 29% of marriages.
So if you’re like me and know that there is bound to be a disparity between you and your partner when it comes to making perhaps the biggest purchase of your life, how can you approach the process of joining forces responsibly, wisely, and thoughtfully?
Understanding what you can afford—and what you want
The easy part of buying a home with a partner might involve doing the simple math of adding up your income and assets with theirs, and then using a mortgage calculator or affordability calculator to see what’s in your budget.
The hard part might be agreeing to have that conversation at all—and having it honestly. One of the biggest pitfalls couples face when buying a home is the lack of clear communication leading to conflict.
“When things aren’t talked about, people assume instead of ask,” says Victoria Lichtenstein, a licensed mental health counselor who practices in Jupiter, FL—and is married to a longtime real estate broker. “Assumptions quickly lead to resentment.”
As part of the process of decision-making, Lichtenstein recommends taking small steps to get on the same page.
“Both of you should share what you truly need in a home—not just practical stuff like location and layout, but the emotional side, too. Money can make things feel uneven, but a home should feel like it belongs to both of you,” she says. “I suggest that each of you write down your top three must-haves for the home. If you can meet most of those, it may feel more harmonious, even if one person is contributing more financially.”
One way to have these conversations is to schedule a weekly “house check-in” over coffee, discussing money, repairs, upgrades, or other potential points of contention. It’s easier to talk about these things when it’s not part of a larger, more stressful fight.
Why an agreement beats a handshake deal
Whether you’re already married, planning to get married, or just know you’re going to be together for the long term, the ideal time to figure out the dynamics of your pooled finances is before you buy—though it’s never too late to put a proper agreement in place, according to Amanda Baron, a lawyer and co-founder of Jointly, an online cohabitation agreement platform in Canada.
“Before the offer is made on a home is when couples should be having conversations about how they’ll share ownership, who will contribute what, and what happens if things change,” says Baron. “But practically, many couples start the process once they’ve already made an offer or are approaching closing. That works, too, but it can add to the stress of what can already be a hectic transaction.”
As for what a proper agreement looks like, some couples may be comfortable enough verbally hashing out the specifics of things like who pays what, and what happens if they split up or one partner dies. A prenuptial agreement or cohabitation agreement, however, provides much more certainty.
“A cohabitation agreement can spell out ownership, contributions, and what happens if the relationship ends, providing protection and clarity that the law in your jurisdiction may not otherwise give,” says Baron.
For example, an agreement can specify that a $100,000 down payment from one partner’s parents is repaid before equity is divided, or that equity is split 50-50 even if one partner paid most of the mortgage while the other stepped back to care for the family. Putting it in writing is what protects both partners.
Closing on a sale and planning for the future
Once you find the home of your shared dreams and it’s time to close the deal, having your agreement in place will serve as a roadmap for how you’ll pay for the home and its expenses going forward—but it can cover more than just the mortgage.
When preparing the deed—the public record of who owns the home—your real estate attorney or closing attorney may ask how you want to hold title.
“If one partner pays more and both want that to be fairly reflected in the homeownership percentages, they shouldn’t go for ‘joint tenancy,’ which is a common choice, because joint tenancy splits homeownership evenly,” says Ben Michael, an attorney at Michael & Associates. “Instead, an alternative option would be ‘tenants in common.’ This is a lot more flexible in allowing couples to divide ownership percentages how they see fit.”
Looking ahead, your cohabitation agreement should cover more than just the purchase: It should spell out financial contributions, ownership shares, and how you’ll handle everything from repairs and upgrades to changes in your relationship. Clear agreements now help prevent misunderstandings down the line, no matter what life throws at you.
As society shifts, financial planning does, too
It may not seem romantic to outline all of these things when embarking upon building a life together. But major societal shifts have led to more female homeowners and increased economic power, and their partners should be open to conversations about finances and ownership.
“Historically, it was often the higher-earning or higher-asset partner who pushed for an agreement, but we’re seeing that change,” says Baron. “Increasingly, it’s women—especially younger women—who initiate conversations about prenups or cohabitation agreements. And among Gen Z and millennials, both partners are also more likely to view agreements as responsible financial planning, not just protection for one side.”
This is a welcome reframing. Lots of vague words get thrown around in relationships. Words such as “fair” or “equal” can be loaded with assumptions and expectations that both parties have different views on. Even discussing an agreement can help make things that you thought were implicit clearer for all parties.
Maybe it’s time to bring sexy back to the prenup. Recognizing the different ways that people build a home—through money, yes, but also taking off work to support the family, or tackling home improvements—and formalizing an agreement that reflects your respect, love, and expectations may be the greatest benefit of all.